Russia's pin-up cell phone ads are awful even by Russian standards

The Cold War may be over, but mobile network MegaFon and its unknown (but presumably all-male) agency never left 007's original world of casual racism and sexism.

(Russian translations via Copyranter. Creative team interpretations are mine.)

Literal translation: "I will tell everything you want to know about roaming…"
What they were thinking: "The women we pay 130 rubles a minute to talk to look nothing like this."

Literal translation: "Bothered by uncertainty? Consultant will help you!"
What they were thinking: "Watch young Leda get bukkaked by those swans!"

 Literal translation:"Time is money!"
What they were thinking: "In post-Soviet Russia, prostitute pay YOU!"

Literal translation: "Roaming is not a myth. Find out your price rate!"
What they were thinking: "Our first version had him hung like a stallion, but it made our CD jealous."

Literal translation: "Tourist, be aware that roaming can be ruining!"
What they were thinking: "It's a hump, get it?"

Literal translation: "A High-quality network is vital on your business trips..."
What they were thinking: "Let's do one with Dominique Strauss-Kahn! Edgy!"

Literal translation: "Calling your relatives from Paris,  don’t forget to get information on your price rate."
What they were thinking: "The dog costs extra..."

Literal translation: "Don’t forget that each hotel has WiFi zones for you!"
What they were thinking: "Even her laptop has crabs."

Literal translation: "Stay connected no matter where you are!"
What they were thinking: "Anal probe costs extra."

Literal translation: "I prefer protected roaming!"
What they were thinking: "Stopped at a green light? That's a pegging!"

Literal translation: "The danger is in lack of mobile education!"
WWhat they were thinking: "Didn't KIA already do this one?"

Literal translation: "Let’s make international relations stronger."
What they were thinking: "We have never set foot outside of Russia, and foreigners frighten us."