Friday, March 15, 2013

Multilevel Marketing a homophobic sausage fest

Are you man enough to host a themed party for your bros that's been described as "Mary Kay on Steroids"?

Welcome to the world of Man Cave, a company that promises to help you reclaim your man card by inviting your man friends over for beer, brats and manly games like oversized Jenga blocks and Hammerschlagen.

Yes, really.

From the site:

How It Works.
1. Organize home parties for guys called MEATings (at other peoples homes).
2. Guys eat, drink, and be manly while Guides showcase legendary Man Cave products at MEATings.
3. Guys place orders and Guides earn great money - 25% commission.

No B.S. Guarantee.
A company made so simple even a guy can get it. No hooks. Period.

Men are dumb, you know? And we're also definitely not gay. The "no homo" vibe permeates one of Man Cave's main pieces of MEATing collateral, the "Man Laws":
No man shall ever turn down free beer... for any reason. Never. Ever. Seriously, Never.
Grilling, regardless of weather, is always the first choice for cooking.
Hiding your beer in the fridge is strictly forbidden. Besides...sharing is caring.
A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.
A man should never tell another man that his zipper is down. It's his own damn problem and you never looked "there" to begin with.
A man may be seen tearing up only when:
A. His first child is born (and it's a boy),
B. he has received a devastating blow to the groin,
C. Carmen Electra is unbuttoning her shirt...scratch that, your shirt.
While at a sporting event, you must walk "B to F" (BUTT TO FACE) when leaving your seat. This is so you do not miss any of the cheerleaders' performance (since you obviously never get up to pee while the ball is in play).
No man shall ever cancel plans with his buddies at the last minute. Exceptions: You win free tickets to the Super Bowl, Carmen Electra is unbuttoning your shirt, or in cases of death (your own).
If you are placed on the Jumbotron at a sporting event, you are to offer a simple wave or raise of your glass. Acting like an idiot is strictly forbidden. A man should act like Barry Sanders... you've been there before and will be there again - show some class. Exception: You have more body paint on than clothing. In that case - go for it.
A man is permitted to build his "Man Cave" in anyway he wishes. However NO "Man Cave" shall ever include: A fridge incapable of holding a case of beer, "Fat Free" potato chips, and any variation of the color pink.
A man purse is still a purse.
The following skills must be mastered by all men prior to death: making a bonfire, playing some form of poker, replacing a flat tire, throwing a spiral, and the ability to pick up laundry with one’s feet.
If a man leaves his chair for a refill, his chair is not to be touched or claimed by anyone. If he does not return by the end of the commercial break, assume he has gone missing or been killed. You can call the police when the game is over.
No man shall shave his chest hair. Exception: he is an Olympic swimmer. In that case – he should shave his entire body, win the Gold medal, and make America proud.
When settling a dispute physically, all forms of contact are permissible (pushing, wrestling, tackling), EXCEPT any direct blows to the groin. This is the un-manliest of tactics and should be saved only for defending oneself from more than two opponents or more than one wild animal.
A man must read sports news at least once per day, if not multiple times per day, to develop thorough knowledge in order to win any sports related arguments that may arise at any given time.
Official manliness is judged by these five traits: chest hair length, total horsepower owned, biggest fish ever caught, number of cheeseburgers eaten in a single sitting, and complete dedication to all Man Laws.

Got it, bro? This has nothing to do with selling crappy beer and sausages to your friends while hitting nails and bonding in a totally heteronormative way. We're talking about protecting the very essence of manliness here.

Tip via Cracked

No comments:

Post a Comment