Esquire's guide to buying your way out of the "friend zone"

The "friend zone" is a myth, but it's a powerful one. It's a fantasy created and maintained by boys and men who think they have been unfairly denied sexual access to a woman who — as far as they're concerned — should be interested in them physically but isn't.

Other people have written about how problematic this myth is. It's based on some pretty primitive ideas about sexual relations, such as that "nice guys" are tragic figures who women take for granted and that women are possessions to be won. Articles about "how to get out of the friend zone" are even more insulting to women, suggesting manipulative tactics straight out of the "pick-up artist" handbook.

Enter Esquire's "THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF DRESSING TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE" an advertising feature that tells men the best way to convince those selfish vagina-hoarders (aka "women") that their own feelings and agency have nothing to do with who they are attracted to.

It's really just a matter of buying the right clothes:

That's right, lads: For just a $350 investment, you could turn that "no" into a "yo". Who could resist a man in this shirt? (Truth be told, it's making me question my own sexuality. And I'm not even friends with expressionless Beard Guy.)

It's nice to know that all those dry spells could have easily have been solved with $500 worth of shaving gear. What was I thinking? The friend zone doesn't stand a chance against a good shave. (Don't tell Beard Guy!)

One of the more affordable ways to show her that you only hang out with her for possible sex.

I'll have to admit, I used stinky stuff as a teen. I didn't know it was still a thing. (Hope she's not allergic.)

I had no idea that not being trendy was so expensive. But if these not-at-all trendy jeans make her think about getting me out of them, take my money! TAKE IT!!!

Bwahahaha!

No, really? It's $3,500 worth of "Look, I know you said I wasn't like those other guys, but I kind of am. Just much, much worse."

What is that even, and how will it help me convince this woman that friendship is just the gentleman's prelude to banging?

Because actually putting yourself in her shoes is way too much to ask.

"So, Madison, you don't think he's kind of cute?"

"You know the rules, Dakota. I'd be all over him, but he wears boring sweaters. So I think I'll spend a lot of my valuable time with him, and tell him all my thoughts and feelings, but withhold my sexual favours until he gets better fashion sense."

Wear your edgiest shades when you meet her, and when she asks to try them on know that she's starting to come around to you. 

(I didn't write that, BTW. It's actually in the article!)

This scarf says one thing, and that's "our friendship feels like a consolation prize".


The author disagrees with me that this article is regressive, creepy, PUA bullshit. But it's time to put this "friend zone" nonsense to rest.

If a woman is not interested in you sexually, your job is to respect her feelings. If she wants to be friends with you, that is not an invitation to spend your time together trying to manipulate her into giving in to your advances. It means she actually wants to be your friend. Or at least let you down easy. (You'll know soon enough.)

If you don't get that women's friendship is valuable in itself, then no amount of shopping can make you less of an asshole.

Anti-cellulite jeans? Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!

Via Brit + Co

We're all used to sketchy beauty claims by lotions, potions and pills, but this is a new one. Wrangler is apparently releasing a line of "Denim Spa" jeans for women that have been impregnated with extracts that "soothe" or "moisturize" skin. One pair, "Smooth Legs," even claims to reduce the appearance of cellulite.

According to the Telegraph:

Infused with algae extracts, retinol and caffeine, the style was clinically tested by the Institut Adriant in France, where after four weeks of wearing the jeans for eight hours a day, five days a week over six weeks, 69 per cent of the panel claimed that the appearance of their thighs had improved. 

The Smooth Legs style reportedly lasts for 15 days' wear (or four to six washes), after which a reload spray can be applied after each wash to continue to reap the jeans' beauty benefits. In total the jeans can retain their cosmetic effects for around 67-95 wears, according to Wrangler.

Yeah, about that. First of all, the cellulite cream industry is a great big fraud. There's no medical proof that any chemical can actually reduce cellulite, especially when applied topically. Retinol, which is part of the "Smooth Legs" jeans, can thicken the skin when applied therapeutically, so it may reduce the outer dimples by making legs... plumper.

All that aside, the idea that a pair of cosmetic-soaked jeans could do anything meaningful is absurd. But this is fashion advertising. When have fashion's promises ever been based in reality? Plus, Wrangler has just signed Lizzy Jagger as the "face" of their new line:

I despise this kind of marketing, promising impossible results to gullible consumers. Interestingly, in the UK, the notoriously twitchy ASA has already started cracking down on anti-cellulite advertising. This month, they banned an ad featuring Mila Kunis that claimed its cream could help anyone "Get Mila Kunis' Esquire look" — beside a sexy underpants shot of the "Sexiest Woman Alive" from the magazine in question.

Thanks to Adland.TV for the tip.