"Many are drawn to White Power Milk for the comforting certainty that our milk is the purest available. But it's something more elusive, and difficult to put into words, that keeps our customers coming back. We create a select beverage that is not only more healthy for your body, but is culturally superior. Sure, the milk available at your local grocery store meets USDA government standards for quality, but these standards are set to a mere minimum of purity. You deserve the best.
Milk that may appear by smell to be perfectly consumable (even organic), can contain contaminants such as suspended particles, parasites, bacteria, viruses, and fungi. Through extensive recruitment within the upper echelons of society, we deliver the finest milk purified in a way only we can. Our secret ingredient is in the process through which rich, beautiful, white girls gargle your milk to absolute perfection. It's her touch that sets us far above the rest. Our diverse selection includes West Coast, The South, New England, New York, and London. Each of the carefully selected girls offer subtle differences of background, yet what they share is most important. All are waiting to clean your milk with their mouths. That is our promise to you!
To be eligible to filter White Power Milk, each white girl must be accredited as socially elite and deemed physically in superb health. However, rarely is it necessary to involve interviews or doctors. When we find the right girl from the right family, we just know."
"The purification process begins with the purest raw organic cow's milk (absolutely no bovine growth hormone, no antibiotics, and no pesticides in the feed). This milk is stored in our Upper East Side, Manhattan cold storage facility awaiting your order. At that time, she enters our adjoining private spa area, and meets her attendant (usually a fellow White Power Milk gargler). The attendant collects her jewelry and clothing, assists in her bathing, and directs her mouth rinsing regimen. Needless to say, her dental health, and overall oral health is flawless.
Finally, she is led to the gargling room where she purifies your milk carefully for the allotted time the attendant dictates. The longer she gargles the milk, the more contaminants are able to be removed and the purer your milk becomes, so we, of course, recommend you request maximum purity. After she is done, the milk is deposited into your glass bottle, sealed, and returned immediately to cold room for delivery."
(Don't worry. It's not real.
It's art.)
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