Thursday, May 17, 2012

Rock and pop groupies tell all in anonymous forum

The insatiable David Bowie is a rock star who groupies continue to lust after and rave about, and we hear that he's into orgies and videotaping his encounters. David isn't too picky when it comes to race or gender, but he does have a taste for "the beautiful people." If you look like Camilla Parker-Bowles, you'll probably be out of luck in getting David to show an interest in you. As David's wife Iman can tell you, David is also fascinated with black women, so all you gorgeous ebony ladies who want to experience Bowie might have a great chance with him. Bowie also likes his regular sex partners to have a certain amount of intelligence. If you're an airhead who doesn't know the difference between Rambo and Rimbaud, you'll quickly be out of favor with Bowie.
When I was a teenager, books like Pamela Des Barres' poorly-written tell all I'm With The Band and Rock and Roll Babylon were infamous for spilling rockstars' sexual secrets.

But thanks to our internet age, the groupies have organized and are broadcasting many musicians' private moments to the world under a cloak of anonymity on the forum,

Rammstein lead vocalist Till Lindemann has gotten mixed reviews for his sexual technique. He's been described as both a good lover and a lousy lover whose penis is hung like a peanut. If you want to get together with Till, don't expect him to treat you like an equal. He's reportedly very sexist who sees women as being good for only one thing.
As usual, this gives the people in question no possible way to defend themselves, as rumour and speculation abound.

The members Insane Clown Posse are rude, crude, and treat their groupies like dirt, according to women who've been with them. The clowns are so desperate for attention that they'll take practically any groupie, no matter what she looks like. Violent J has a big penis but he doesn't have much stamina (one woman said he lasts about five minutes), and he's secretly self-conscious about being overweight. And if you start to lose interest in him, he will start treating you with abusive and hateful behavior. 

Is any of this true? Nobody knows. But like the ridiculous backstage riders on The Smoking Gun, it makes great guilty pleasure reading.

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is "unforgiven" for being a sexual disappointment. One groupie who had him said his technique is "wham bam thank you maam" and Lars sometimes has trouble getting up his uncircumcised penis. We also hear that Lars talks too much and his fondness for alcohol and cocaine "doesn't make for a lot of fun...paranoid and a limp dick!" We also hear Lars likes lesbian sex, but then again, most men do. Meanwhile, Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett has earned high praise for his lovemaking abilities, with one lady describing him as "fantastic" with a "gorgeous dick." Kirk is an admitted bisexual swinger who's been known to frequent sex clubs with his wife. Bass guitarist Jason Newsted is also a great lover, according to one lady who says that he was able to satisfy to her needs.  
The site focusses on classic rock and newer pop, with very few hip hop, R&B or soul references (Ice T gets honourable mention for his love of "white pussy").

I guess their groupies are more discreet than those of the boy bands?

This boy band believes in having a lot of girlfriends. AJ loves to give the ladies backdoor action. Kevin is a less than faithful husband. Cutie pie, Nick Carter, has a weakness for model types. 

And not even the "girl groups" are spared...

They might have looked sweet in their videos, but these girls are not innocent. Back in their heyday, they made an after concert video with a drunk roadie. While the roadie masturbates, the girls are giggling in the background. Later in the video, Kathy Valentine shoves a vibrator up the roadie's ass when he is passed out on a hotel room bed.
Of all the ones I've read so far, this is my favourite:

Former Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones is no stranger to groupies. He's said to be crudely average and people say that he likes picking up sleazy hookers. Lead singer Johnny Rotten despises groupies. Actually, he despises most people. Groupies who want to avoid cruel rejection are advised to steer clear of Johnny, who is reportedly very devoted to his longtime wife. 
Iggy Pop, by the way, is conspicuously absent.

You can spend hours there. Check it out.

Tip via Buzzfeed

No comments:

Post a Comment