Father's Day ad suggests daughters give Dad "a threesome"

A friend received this by e-mail and sent it with the comment, "Thought you might appreciate the insane inappropriateness of this spam email I received. Can't imagine how someone thought this was a good idea.

I love that this offer is for "ethical" coffee.

I haven't seen any "gift" ideas for dads this twisted since Genesis 19:36...

Air Canada unilaterally dissolves Confederation

Via CBC

In 1864, Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, was the site of a conference to discuss the formation of Canada. While Maritime provinces Nova Scotia and New Brunswick ended up joining with Ontario and Quebec to form the new country in 1867, PEI held out until 1873. The other province of Atlantic Canada, Newfoundland, was the last to join in 1949, until Nunavut was established in the '90s.

Atlantic Canadians were predictably outraged by the copywriting gaffe.

Wait, since when did we separate? #cbcns pic.twitter.com/klv7MlOcMf
— CBC Nova Scotia (@CBCNS) March 25, 2015

Although, considering that some Newfoundlanders still think they were robbed of their independence by Joey Smallwood's referendum, the ad was probably better received on George Street.

Air Canada, for its part, decided to see the silver lining:

Ah, Canada!

These racists need a lesson in Copywriting

I'd probably be really upset at this billboard if I could figure out what it's trying to say. I get the "diversity means" setup, but the jump from that to "Chasing down the last white person" leaves me scratching my head.

I'll take a wild guess that the advertiser, League of the South, is trying to tell people that the real objective of a diverse society is to eliminate its majority population. But that doesn't seem to make much sense, does it? That's like saying the purpose of putting sugar in your coffee is to remove all traces of java in your cup.

Anyway, I suppose putting two sentences together to communicate a coherent thought is too much to ask of people who don't know how hashtags work.

Image via Gawker

What does "premium" junk food really mean?

Burger King's "premium".

Last week, I saw an interesting post on Burger Business, a fast food industry blog about how the word "premium" has become a popular adjective for burger chains:

According to data compiled for BurgerBusiness.com by Mintel, its use on menus has doubled since 2007 (and this is even before Burger King’s new items), and not just at quick-service restaurants. In an economy where consumers are looking for top value without necessarily paying more for it, “premium” connotes high quality or high price without committing to being either. “Premium” sounds upscale, special, with a sophistication that “deluxe” lacks.

McDonald's "premium" line (from their online menu)

But what exactly does "premium" mean, in the realm of junk food?

The Oxford American English Dictionary defines the adjective as "relating to or denoting a commodity or product of superior quality and therefore a higher price."

Wendy's

The problem, of course, is that "premium" is not part of the USDA's grading standard. It's an entirely relative term. If the fast food chains are being honest, it could imply that the meat is better than what they were giving you before.

But this is marketing. What they really want to imply is "better than the other guy's."

KFC Canada: "The premium chicken breast is marinated in our hot & spicy seasoning
 for full flavor, then double breaded by hand for extra crunch."

It's total bullshit, of course. The word is absolutely meaningless in any real sense of food quality. But as a marketing term, it works. Hard.

From another Burger Business post:

Speaking at last week’s 2012 Protein Innovation Summit hosted by Meatingplace magazine, Technomic Executive Vice President Darren Tristano presented data on consumer attitudes to beef quality (not just burgers). According to Technomic’s 2011 Center of the Plate Beef & Pork Consumer Trend Report, 28% of diners say the amorphous descriptor “premium” would make them more willing to pay up to 5% more for beef at a restaurant or supermarket. Another 11% say that seeing that word would make them willing to pay more than 5% more. 

Technomic’s findings come as many of the growing “better burger” chains strive to set themselves apart by promoting the high quality of the beef they use. Elevation Burger, for example, touts its use of “100% organic, grass-fed, free-range beef.” The Cheeburger Cheeburger chain adopted all-natural, additive-free Angus beef. Farm Burger in the Atlanta area proudly serves grass-fed beef free of antibiotics and hormones. These terms signal quality, certainly, but consumers like “premium” even better.

There's even a chart:

Source: Technomic Center of the Plate Beef & Pork Consumer Trend Report

Note that the three descriptors below "premium" are specific and falsifiable. But people are much more likely to pay "slightly more" (and almost as likely to pay ("significantly more") for an adjective that costs the fast food chains absolutely nothing.

Here's how those same consumers describe their expectations of what "premium" beef implies:

Note that the top two responses have nothing to do with the way the meat was raised or processed, but only the cut and breed. Specifics about hormones and antibiotics don't even make the chart.

If the chains were to move towards hormone- and antibiotic-free meats, they'd greatly increase their costs. If you were them, after attending this "Protein Innovation Summit," which way would you go? (Burger business recommends "premium, 100% Angus sirloin."

Carl's Junior franchisee site

Which leads me to the conclusion that the problems with the industrial meat system will be with us until consumers are better educated.

That does not sound like a fun booze cruise

Via Buzzfeed

Seriously, one beer? I sure hope they have one hell of a big wine cellar.

They seem to have since clarified the copy on their web site:

"Depressed Copywriter" is actually hilarious

It's a new advertising Tumblr. And some of the posts are depressingly funny:

It's like he or she is posting from inside every burnt out Copywriter's poundingly hung over mind.

Check out the whole psychological mess here.

Via Copyranter

Walgreens really wants you to buy this sex toy #FdAdFriday

As "America's online pharmacy", Walgreens.com of course has a "sexual wellness" section. But in addition to condoms and lube, they sell toys. Including toys for boys. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but this particular item, the Tenga Flip Hole for Male Masturbation Black, has gone viral for its particularly graphic product description:

"Tenga Flip Hole is designed to be the best male masturbator on the market. The Tenga Flip hole is deliberately not a simple artificial vagina - it is better. Filled with silicone ribs; nubs; gates; flaps; and pumps; the Tenga Flip Hole has an astonishing complex inside shape. Every centimeter of it has a particular function. Its flexible casing with buttons allows a total control of the stimuli. Flip Hole is the first masturbator that can open itself completely. For this reason it's really easy to clean and to always keep it hygienic. The Tenga Flip Hole Black provides a tighter interior sleeve for a noticibly different feel from the Flip Hole White."

I am not letting that thing within 100 metres of my johnson...

And of course, with the added attention, come the trolling "product reviews":

"For the value it's much better than the Fleshlight
My Fleshlight had to be replaced after it sprung a leak and the Flip Hole was just what I was looking for. Sleek and modern design with quality construction at an affordable price and clean up is a breeze!
The Flip Hole is definitely the only male masturbation tool I will ever use again. Say goodbye to the stranger and hello to the Tenga Flip Hole!" 

- Vas Deferens 

"LOOOVE IIIIIT
Pros: cheaper than a real date, no conversation needed
this is amazing" 

- JWOW

Unfortunately, this item appears to be sold out. But this isn't the only Tenga male masturbation product in the online catalogue; the Tenga Deep Throat Cup for Male Masturbation is still available and the Tenga Double Hole Cup for Male Masturbation is even on sale!

Who could resist the latter, after reading this copy:

"Tenga Double Hole male masturbation cup provides double the enjoyment. This cup features two holes; allowing you to enjoy different types of sensual sensations - the 'Bitter Side' and the 'Sweet Side'. The 'Bitter Side' firmly tightens while the "Sweet Side" gently clings to your member. Normal use is one side at a time. But; using both sides of this cup simultaneously transports you to the virtual world of a 'hreesome'."

Hreesome?

On that note, have a great weekend.

Tip via Crushable 

How to make money writing short paragraphs (in the days before Twitter)

This unprovenanced ad for piecework copywriters was posted on BoingBoing. I'd love to repurpose it the next time we're hiring word people. "No tedious study."

What he's actually doing is selling you a series of books on writing for things like greeting cards and (I assume) tiny classified ads. If you're interested, there's a box of them on Ebay right now.

Ironically, there is also a long copy advertorial version I found here.

A Google search also turned up this one in an early-70s issue of Ebony:

Note that the Ebony insertion lacks Barrett's creepy mug, unlike this one in a 1973 Bangor Daily.

F'd Ad Fridays: Kopywriting Kourse teaches you to rite good

Saw this on my Facebook:

But today it's only 75% off. But even if it reaches 100% off, it's probably a bad deal. It takes you to an obvious spam site.

Dabitch from Adland also tells me that the image is stolen from here:

Copywriting: Getting lame dudes laid since the invention of language

While my wedding photos can't deny that a way with words can allow a man to date way out of his league, I'm not sure I'm convinced by this copywriter's self promo:



Erika, however, sounds well-qualified as a social marketer. Tell her to get dressed and send me a CV.

(Tip via Ads of The World)

Nice homemade bar ad

Spotted on Buzzfeed:

Everyone's a Copywriter these days.

F'd Ad Fridays: Winababy

Not much to see here. It's just the latest publicity stunt by Ottawa radio station HOT 89.9.

It's still in the teaser stage (I spotted this yesterday) but the copy on their web site already has me groaning:

Be listening to The Morning Hot Tub with Mauler, Rush, Jenni and Josie at 7:15am to find out what we've CONCEIVED!

It may RATTLE the city!

We're still in the INFANT stages of planning...

Ok, just listen Monday Morning.

This is going to be SPECIAL!

Any guesses on the contest theme? A free sample of DJ semen? An all-expenses-paid trip to a secret cloning lab? Human trafficking?

Ambiguous copywriting kills God

Well, that's unfortunate.

This real church billboard was placed in Mansfield, Ohio, as a response to the Freedom From Religion Foundation's "Good without God" campaign.

It caused Hemant Mehta of The Friendly Atheist to comment:

"Not only are they telling us that god doesn’t exist (in a large font, no less), they’re also telling us to be skeptical of what we hear! I couldn’t have said it better myself :)"

F'd Ad Fridays: Groupon copywriting at its finest.

Here's the body copy. Seriously:

"The problem with invisibility is that cloak fashions fade rapidly and past-season trends don't capture anyone's eyes for resale. Manage your appearance in a more sustainable way with today's Groupon to Luxe Spa. Choose from three options:

• For $20, you get a women's haircut, wash, and blow-dry (a $40 value).
• For $20, you get a Brazilian wax (a $45 value).
• For $30, you get a women's haircut, wash, and blow-dry, plus a Brazilian wax (an $85 value). 

A modern, full-service spa, Luxe Spa plunges bodies into beautifying bliss beneath the hands of skilled stylists and aestheticians. The women's haircut, wash, and blow-dry lops and sculpts locks for a fresh look made to inspire the next generation of fairy-tale writers. By request, Luxe will douse head threads in completely organic shampoos and styling products from the Simply Organic line. Alternatively, freshly snipped scalps with plans to hit the beach can descruff bikini zones with a Brazilian wax. As souls simmer in an environment tailored to one's personal preferences, an expert aesthetician removes any trace of hair, giving waxing areas legitimate reason to challenge silk to a smooth-off."

I challenge thee to a smooth off, thou scruffian!

One of these McThings is not like the others...

Seen this Easter weekend in Prescott, Ontario:

Mmmmm... 100% pure Canadian beef. Sounds like food. 100% "seasoned" chicken breast? Well, maybe some of it is imported. Hmmm...

And tangy tartar sauce. Yeah, I suppose that's okay, but what is wrong with the "fish" that it doesn't rate an ingredient rave? WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT THING?

When I was a kid, we always used to joke that it was sucker fish, or some other nasty creature. But then I visited their ingredients PDF, and it turns out the Fish patty is no worse than the others:

Filet-O-Fish® Portion: Alaskan Pollock, enriched bleached wheat flour, water, modified corn starch, yellow corn flour, salt, dextrose, sugar, dried yeast, cellulose gum, coloured with paprika and turmeric extracts, natural flavour (vegetable source). Cooked in 100% vegetable oil (Canola oil, corn oil, soybean oil, hydrogenated soybean oil with THBQ, citric acid and dimethypolysiloxane).

So I'll just assume that some copywriter felt "Alaskan Pollock" didn't sound as sexy as "tangy vegetable oil (soybean and/or canola), relish (diced pickles, vinegar, salt, capers, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate, natural flavour (vegetable souce)), frozen yolk, water, onions, vinegar, sugar, salt, spices, potassium sorbate, xanthan gum, dehydrated parsley, calcium disodium EDTA."

Although I probably would have gone with "wild-caught fish", or "Pacific pollock", or something else about wholesomeness, since the sauces are the least foodlike things they serve you and the "meat" is the most.

But who am I kidding? I go to McDonald's for anything but breakfast so infrequently, I left there with a severe case of the McPastymouth.

A plea to the Copywriters of Generation Y

I was in the liquor store yesterday, and this assaulted my sensibilities:

Can you tell me what's wrong with it? Click to enlarge, if it shows up too small. Got it yet? No?

This poster, a government ad for the Province of Ontario, undoubtedly went through about 20 client revisions and was in front of maybe 50 pairs of eyes, on agency and client sides, before it was printed and distributed.

And in all that time, apparently not one person stopped to point out that the reader cannot possibly be "21 and under". Not unless they suffer from Henry DeTamble's time travelling disorder. He or she can be under 21. Or 21. Or even "21 or under". But you can't be both at the same time.

Does this make me sound like a grammar nazi? It shouldn't. If you read this blog, you know that I'm not a formal writer. I like a conversational style. But I still follow a few sensible and conventional guidelines because I don't want people to think I'm illiterate.

And I don't want to be one of these old farts who says texting has destroyed people's spelling abilities. It's just a different register, and shouldn't degrade overall skills. To claim otherwise would be like saying people taking notes in shorthand or point form are destroying the English language.

I also believe that our language is evolving. If it didn't, my blog would look like this:

No, I can accept change. Hell, I even try to accelerate it. (Shouldn't "highschool" be one word by now? I think so.) But if you want me to take you seriously in an e-mail or any other written communication, you have to show organized thought and you have to give two shits about not making stupid mistakes.

A couple of years ago, I was trying to hire a Junior Copywriter. I asked that each candidate write a custom cover letter in the body of an e-mail and attach their CV. It made filtering through 100 or so applications much easier:

• Form cover letter? DELETE
• Cover letter attached only? DELETE
• Misspelled my, or the agency's, name? DELETE
• Really bad typo? DELETE

These ones were easy. But what amazed and depressed me was the number of people with university degrees, people who were expressing an interest in writing copy for a freaking living, did not know or care about the difference between "its" and "it's", or "you're and "your", or "they're", "there" and "their".

DELETE! 

DELETE! DELETE!

And shame on the profs who let them get away with this crap.

You want to be a writer? Learn how to write. Because apparently fewer and fewer people in the ad industry know how to.

BTW, I had to write this quickly, so you may well get the chance to point out a few errors of my own.

Freelance Copywriters: The New Craigslist Hookers

My niece, Emma, posted this find from Craigslist Atlanta on Facebook:

I DO ANYTHING (30307)

Date: 2011-02-07, 3:58PM EST
Reply to: see below

travisdoesanything@gmail.com

My name is Travis Broyles and I will do whatever* you want me to do for less money than whoever you are paying to do it now.

Below is a list of just some of the things I can do. I do want to stress that I DO ANYTHING so email me if your requested service is not listed here.

Things I Will Do For $5:
Stare at you for 5 minutes
Give a hug to the person of your choosing
Call you on the phone and seem genuinely interested for 10 minutes
Draw your face on a balloon
Sing Barenaked Ladies' "One Week" from memory to the best of my ability
6 minutes of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $10:
Write your new theme song
Sing your new theme song on your voicemail
Spin until I throw up or you lose interest
Rename your Pokémon
Host a conference call with you and a person that you've always thought was cool but never really got the chance to hang out with, you know?
12 minutes of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $50:
Break-up with your boyfriend or girlfriend
Help you quit smoking (I'll call you every day for a month and yell "HEY DON'T SMOKE")
Tell the person you like that you think they're cute and what if you had sex together?
Try my best to fly in a public place for an hour
Make you a really great profile picture
1 hour of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $100:
Tell your kids which one is actually your favorite, and what the others could do to improve their standings
Fight someone much smaller or girl than me
Email you a list of 250 things I like about you (need access to any and all social network accounts)
Clean most of your house and apologize for the things I didn't
Deliver 5 fully cooked DiGiorno pizzas right to your door (5 mile radius from my home)
2 hours of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $1,000:
Host an event (will not host anything racially insensitive, e.g. human being auction)
Give a PowerPoint presentation on team building to your business and/or extended family
Rename your children
Build you a cardboard car and make vroom-vroom sounds while you drive it
Star treatment for a month (I'll hide in bushes and take pictures of you)
20 hours of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $100,000:
Yell your name every time I wake up for the rest of my life
Change my political and spiritual leanings
Screen all your phone calls for five years
Recreate the best day of your life (or worst, whatevs)
84 straight days of copywriting *BEST VALUE*

If interested, email me at travisdoesanything@gmail.com.

*Prices and tasks are subject to negotiation. I will not murder or steal or perform a legendary murdersteal. No rapes, and the sex has to be unrelated to the payment, like "Oh, after you're done cutting those trees down, do you want some lemonade?" but the lemonade means sex, mostly.

Young creatives are known for pulling stunts like this to get noticed. This one is pretty good, because he kept it clever and (mostly) clean, despite being on a free-for-all medium. The flippant (and unnecessary) addition of "no rapes" rubbed me the wrong way, though.

Not sure I'd be willing to hire Travis for six figures — and nine months of paid vacation — for this, but still a nice effort.

Screencaps below:

Update: Looks like Agency Spy picked up this story from CL too.

Puppy Boob Chocolate

Cracked recently posted this comic from bogleech.com:

It's funny because it's true. While this is a perfectly good strategy for search engine optimization, advertising is more than popular keywords and random images strung together. It's an art form. Storytelling. And it's supposed to actually mean something.

At least that's what I thought until I went on Facebook...

Oh well. I hear McDonald's is hiring.

Top 10 of 2010, Part 2

My five most popular posts of the year, according to Google Analytics.

5. Unreal Beauty (June 28)

I never really set out to write a feminist blog, but every time I cover women's issues in advertising I get lots of hits.

This one was about Dove's campaign for real beauty as a celebrated PR move, contrasted with a leaked casting note that specified: "MUST HAVE FLAWLESS SKIN, NO TATTOOS OR SCARS! Well groomed and clean...Nice Bodies..NATURALLY, FIT Not too Curvy Not too Athletic."

I thought it was a brand fail. Others disagreed. Lots of people read it.

4. A Case of Blondes (May 19)

This post was my reaction to an outdoor ad I saw on Bank St. just before the May 24 weekend. While not particularly remarkable on its own, it got be ruminating about the "blonde" sexy/ist cliché in beer branding and advertising and looking for other examples.

I guess it was some good collecting, because it got picked up by my favourite social science blog, Sociological Images — which brought my blog (then still called "Change Marketing") to a whole new audience.

3. Copywronging (Feb 9)

I kind of felt bad when I wrote this post. The cause is a good one, and I'm sure that the campaign was heartfelt. But this was one of the most unintentionally awful copwriting fails I have seen in ages.

You need a fairly sick (or cynical) mind to see it, so it's only natural that this post was picked up by  Copyranter — giving this post a big boost in traffic.

If cybertip.ca ever saw my post, I hope it helped them improve their campaign.

2. Should fashion models come with warning labels? (Feb 26)

Another "women's issues" post, this one is about attempts to regulate the portrayal of women's bodies in the media — both by banning "too skinny" models, and by putting warning labels on images that have been heavily Photoshopped.

I was actually fairly circumspect about the issue, but any discussion of sexism in advertising seems to generate lots of interest and debate.

1. The Facebook Double (D) Standard on Obscenity (November 18)

My most popular post of the year by a margin of about 2,000 unique visits, this one came out of nowhere. It was one of many anti-Facebook rants — published on Facebook, of course — calling them on their apparent war on breastfeeding pictures in profiles.

Basically, the author compared several semi-pornographic cleavage pics, found on a simple Facebook search, to several innocent breastfeeding portraits (like the one above) that had been quickly removed as "obscene".

There is a very large lactivist community in social media, and when I managed to screen cap this note before it was deleted — and put it on a third-party medium — it got picked up by many of the communities who had experienced similar selective censorship.

Some were surprised to see a man taking up this cause. Those who read regularly know it is one of my most heartfelt pet issues.

So, what can I learn from my blog's most popular posts? Maybe I should offer Jezebel or Feministing my services as token male correspondent ;)

Merry and safe Christmas, everyone. I'm on vacation until the New Year, but may post sporadically if I miss you all too much.

Cheers,

- Tom

Run!

BoingBoing posted this great bit of ambient advertising, supposedly posted in the urinal of the bathroom at a jewellery store specializing in engagement rings:

Commenters say it's from Spence Diamonds in Vancouver, and that there's another sign on the door back into the shop that says "Good talk."

A beautiful example of long-form copywriting that we can all look up to.