Kate Upton's anti-scrotum-hair rant is not, apparently, an April Fool's prank

That's right, guys. Now we, too, can enjoy the pubic grooming anxieties that pornified culture has been imposing on women for more than a decade:



From the YouTube link: "Get the look that women want with the Gillette Fusion ProGlide Styler with three-in-one unlimited body styling. Trim. Shave. Edge." Eek!

Well, okay. Ads have been talking about manscaping for a long time now. But they used to be funny:



Now it's just one more jiggling Kate Upton ad. Meh.

Chocolate as sex: Not just for women anymore

Jezebel recently ran this picture, an image from the back of this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, with the headline "The Back Cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Tells You to Fuck a Piece of Chocolate."

The M&M custom ads for SI's annual spankbank bait is actually a tradition that goes back a few years.

Here's one from 2011:

Via Social Media Trend

Here's 2009:

Via Sociological Images

In fact, the "sexy green M&M" has been part of Mars Inc.'s strategy for several years:

It's intended as a parody. This year's candy pinup is a send-up on the Antarctic cover shot for which Kate Upton almost literally froze her ass off.

At this point, though, I'm not sure the humour is even there anymore. It's the other side of the food-as-sex trope that crosses the streams of primal urges in increasingly weird ways.

Ugly models don't sell burgers

For the past few years, Hardee's/Carl's Jr. has been unabashed in its use of commodified female sexuality to sell fast food. Nowhere was it as cynical as in last year's "Just the way it is" ad:



Well, it worked. According to Burger Business:

Carl’s Jr. same-store sales were up 2.6% for the quarter, compared with +2.1% for the year-earlier quarter. Hardee’s also posted a 2.6% gain in comp sales despite a difficult comparison with last year’s 9.6% increase. Adjusted EBITDA margin for company-operated restaurants rose to 19.3% from 17% a year ago.

Consumers vote for the kinds of brands they want with their hard-earned purchasing dollars. Want more respectful advertising? Stop making purchasing decisions with your gonads.

Most cynical use of sex in advertising of the week

Okay, it's only Monday and this ad launched last Friday. But try to glean one spec of useful consumer information from this ad:



I guess this is pretty tame for a Kate Upton ad, though. At least she's not simulating sex with a burger in public,  erotically teaching a group of jocks how to use their fingers or using her breasts to win staring contests.

But at least those ads had some sort of concept, as exploitative as it was.

Via Buzzfeed

Kate Upton simulates sex with a hamburger

I couldn't be bothered to watch the Oscars last night, but apparently it premiered the new Carl's Jr. ad with the swimsuit model that everyone's been waiting for.

Sex in food advertising is the oldest trick in the book. The problem is, as people get used to more and more explicit ads, it takes more and more "heat" to break through. Which means you can expect to see the models actually having intercourse with the food in about three years.

Via The Daily What

Model teaches jocks proper fingering technique #FdAdFriday

Supermodel Kate Upton is a pro at home video games. Who knew?

So here she is coaching Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers, David Price of the Tampa Bay Rays, Jay Bruce of the Cincinnati Reds and Los Angeles Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson how to handle their bats and balls in Major League Baseball 2K12.



Ummm... head

Via James Addicted