Swedish TV unveils another ridiculously twee sex ed video

They've done it again. Swedish Television’s Bacillakuten, a show about health for preschoolers, has followed up their viral video about sex organs with one about conception:

It's not quite as catchy as its predecessor, but it does have anthropomorphic sperm.

But is it too cute for its own good? Maybe. I recall my only Swedish friend, Åsk Wappling from Adland, hated the first video's made-up names for genitals. And I think she has a point. The sex education curriculum where I live — in Ontario, Canada — is presently being updated to include teaching kids in Grade One the appropriate names for their genitals. You'd think that sexually-progressive Swedes would demand no less than real biology.

When will the rest of the world get a cool genital jingle?

When I was a teen, I stumbled upon an old book about sex education in Sweden in a used book store. To be honest, I probably bought it for the boobies. But I was also impressed by what I saw as an attempt to give kids and teens positive messages about their bodies, their physical autonomy, and their right to choose what was right for them.

I was reminded of this when the "Snoppen och snippan" video appeared in my newsfeeds.



Catchy, isn't it? With dancing penises and vulvas.

According to Metro, as made for Swedish children’s programme Bacillakuten, using childish words for the organs, ‘snipp’ and ‘snopp’

Some of the lyrics translate as: ‘Here comes the penis at full pace’, and: ‘the vagina is cool, you better believe it, even on an old lady. It just sits there so elegantly’. (They reportedly sound much less weird in Swedish).

I don't think it's weird, and I'm not even Swedish.

The admin of the DosFamily Facebook community explains further:

This is the trailer song from a children's Tv show currently showing in Sweden at the moment. The show is about the body and things that happens with it. Different doctors explains about what happens when you get ill or how do the food system works or colds or what happen when you break a leg... Every episode get an own song for the things they talk about and apparently soon it will be about Snoppen & snippan.

You can see the original post and discussion (in Swedish) at the SVT Barnkanalen page.

Now I just wish they had something like this for English-speaking kids.

(Thanks to Bé for sharing additional info)

Happy Valentine's from a very manly brand of lube

A soldier's homecoming becomes a pitch for marriage equality. It's been done before (and better) by UK activist and director Mike Buonaiuto.



But this one has more than human rights to sell. It's also pitching you the most hilariously gendered brand of lube I've ever seen:

Their women's line is called "Pink". No, really! A gentle reminder that this is, after all, an American company.



Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I hope you get some love today, even if it's from yourself.

K-Y and the sexual objectification of fat middle-aged men

I'm not going to complain too much about this one, because it made me chuckle with a bit of self-effacing irony. But let's watch and see what issues this lube campaign from DDB Toronto raises:



You see, it's funny because the "warming" lube is so effective, the chubby old slob is irresistible to his more put-together wife.



While I think mature men like me can take the hit on our egos, there is another angle to consider here. In an AdWeek post on "Hunkvertising," my social media friend David Gianatasio interviewed another blogger peer, Sociological Images' Lisa Wade, about what the trendy treatment of men as sex objects in advertising actually says about women.

Many ad experts and social critics see the whole thing as a harmless turning of the tables following decades of bikini-clad babes in beer commercials. Double entendres abound when dissecting the trend, the overriding feeling being that it can’t be taken all that seriously because, after all, we are just talking about guys here. “We’re all in on the gender-reversal joke,” explains Lisa Wade, associate professor of sociology at Occidental College. “It’s funny to us to think of women being lustful.”

When the lust is treated even more ironically, as with these men who are not exactly Isaiah Mustafa, both the woman's lust and the man's sexual desirability are the gag.

As Dr. Wade added in her post about the post she was interviewed for, "the joke affirms the gender order because the humor depends on us knowing that we don’t really objectify men this way and we don’t really believe that women are the way we imagine men to be."

And here, the men aren't either. It's good for a laugh, but over the long term is it good for men and women?

Everything that's wrong with male sexuality, in one ad campaign

The image of sex as something that a man "does" to a woman is part of the problem in the global conversation about sexuality. And this campaign for a Thai "natural sexual enhancement" is a really painful reflection of that.

Just look at the fantasy presented by the three ads. They portray the woman as a passive vessel of the man's big penis (stallion), sexual strength (bull) and constant desire (rabbit). 

The woman, let us note, is faceless and on her knees to receive the man's mighty dong in the least intimate way possible. She's not really participating at all.

What do women really want in bed? Each individual's mileage may vary, but it's easy enough to find out how male insecurities about penile performance and porn culture are ruining good old-fashioned hetero sex:

From Men's Health:

The biggest problem with large penises, the women say, is that they're often attached to even bigger dicks. 

"There's nothing worse than a guy who thinks he has a HUGE penis and is therefore God's gift to the ladies," Beland says. "That kind of guy thinks that getting an erection is pretty much all the effort he has to put into sex. The chances that the women he sleeps with are having orgasms? Slim to none."

From Psychology Today:

In survey after survey, women, especially young women, complain that men, especially young men, make love in a manner that's too rushed, too mechanical, and too narrowly focused on women's breasts and genitals. In many women's experience, too many men view sex as a headlong plunge into intercourse. That's porn-style sex. It can be summed up by the phrase, "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

From this forum:

Most women need more than five minutes of foreplay before they are turned on and ready for sex. Don't rush things. If you want a hot woman who acts like a porn star in bed, you need to be prepared to spend some time getting her to that place. It's ideal if you enjoy getting her there as well.

This campaign seems to be aimed at men whose only sex education has come from masturbating furiously to online pornography. And not even "good" porn.

All I have left to say about this, as a man, is "ugh!" If this is the ideal of being a straight dude in bed, I'd rather be a lesbian trapped in a man's body.*

H/T Ads of The World

*Sorry if my quip comes off as trivializing gay women's complex sexuality. That's not the intention. I'm just pissed off at my own category right now.

Self-promo video gives new meaning to "food porn"

Lots of agencies and production houses use online video as a way to get noticed. But very few are as sharable as the one NYC boutique studio Kornhaber Brown has just unleashed. It's about sex, which always sells, but it's also deliciously, purposefully awkward in the way it represents various sex acts using food (and a few small appliances).

While technically "safe for work" in that no actual human sexual organs are shown, you may want to get the headphones out if you work in a prudish open-concept office.



Did the chocolate banana make you squirm?

Source: Gawker

Update: Cindy Gallop tells me that the video was inspired by her "Make Love Not Porn" site.

Women strip for Christmas toy donations, but one charity refuses to accept them

Via CBC

CBC reports that Ottawa "Gentlemen's Club" Barefax is letting its performers accept toy donations as payment for table dances.

It's hardly the first time this kind of charity drive has happened. The Admiral Theatre, in Chicago, has been doing it for years. But what was interesting about this story was the question of whether strippers are morally acceptable benefactors to kids.

The Debra Dynes Family House, which provides support to low-income families in Ottawa, pulled out of the program after being contacted by a reporter. The CBC article states that the Ottawa Salvation Army did not reply to questions about their involvement. (The Sally Ann runs the biggest local toy drive, Toy Mountain.)

But what is the real problem here? It might be the uncomfortable connection it makes between the sex industry and young children. Or perhaps its a distaste for the perceived exploitation of the stripping business. Or they might just be grossed out by the idea of the toys having been handled by naked women and the men who pay them to give informal gynaecology classes.

While the PR opportunity for the club is obvious, I think the individual dancers really do just want to help kids. Many of them, inevitably, are moms themselves. And offstage, they are just members of the community who want to feel the spirit of Christmas.

A Barefax dancer with the stage name Melina told the CBC, "When they asked me to do this I thought it was a really good idea because there’s a lot of children who have nothing. Just because it’s a strip club doesn’t mean that we’re mean people and we can’t do any good."

Here's the CBC TV report:

Sex dolls recycled into wearable art

Vice recently featured works by Dutch artist Sander Reijgers, who "has created a number of wearable items – including jackets, gloves and hats – by mixing old, cut-up bits of sex dolls with other bits of clothing from big sportswear brands like Nike and Reebok, so you stay stylish while creeping people out."

Here is what he says the art represents:

"... the woman is a product nowadays – they must be attractive and seductive. For example, in advertising, a carton of milk has to be sold with a horny-looking or half naked woman. The woman is subordinate and the man is dominant. I use those roles and imagery in my work."

Those aren't pockets...

He says his mother helps him sew the designs.

OK Cupid hoax reminds us how stupid sex makes us

I wrote recently about research that demonstrated exactly how sexual arousal impairs male judgement. But the experiment recently conducted by Mandatory's Rob Fee on the same topic is far more entertaining.

Here's his explanation:

A friend of mine recently signed up for OKCupid (for those who might be unaware: an online dating site) and was constantly telling me about all the bizarre and pathetic lines guys try to use on her via instant message. She would very blatantly shoot them down and yet they would continue to message her. Obviously, for most women this doesn't come as a surprise whatsoever. I started thinking about it and had a thought: I wonder how far guys would go to get a date or a hook-up. And so, my OKCupid adventure began...

Rob set up a fake profile for a 23-year-old SWF in Beverly hills, using a photo donated by a "cute" friend, and gave her a bio full of alarm bells:

She comes off a dumb, superficial, self-obsessed, racist and weird. Plus, there's the last comment to scare off the commitment-phobic.

Here's the initial result:

Within 6 hours, my profile had been viewed over 400 times and 39 guys had messaged me. 

Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say they didn't really read the bio. They just saw a cute girl and went for it. I'm not saying that's smart but I'm just hoping for their sake they didn't read that trainwreck of a description and think "OK yeah! This is what I've been searching for!"

But Rob went further. He started interacting with these guys, constantly amping the weirdness and distasteful details:

It goes on and on and on.

His conclusion?

Now, of course, I'm not saying that every guy on the Internet is desperate and creepy, but ... fellas, browse through that profile a little and make sure you aren't getting ready to message an illiterate part-time prostitute with a rubber arm and a history of vehicular crimes. Have fun out there!

I thought his inclusion of an artificial limb was a little low (the blog's other posts seem to be mostly about naked women) but the social experiment was interesting. Even if the findings fit into what everyone assumes.

Is every other male instinct (self-preservation included) completely pushed aside by the instinct for sex? Advertisers sure think so. That's why they use sexualized women to cloud our judgement so we'll buy more burgers, cars and other shit.

The more I think about this effect, the more I'm starting to wonder if we should be trusted with anything when we're impaired by arousal. Including operating heavy machinery:

A study of 2,142 drivers found 60 per cent of men admitted being distracted by attractive women while 12 per cent of female drivers said they took their eyes off the road to leer at handsome men. 

And 21 per cent of drivers also admitted that they couldn't tear their eyes away from advertising billboards featuring pictures of picture perfect models were also a major distraction on the road. 

Insurance company Direct Line discovered 17 per cent of male drivers admitted knowing their actions were dangerous but said they 'could not help but look'.

Wow. Talk about using the wrong head.

Be careful out there.

Is this boardgame teaching tweens to be boy band groupies?

Go ahead and accuse me of being a dirty old man, but when I saw this boardgame featuring generic boy band One Direction, with the tagline "Be the first to make it backstage!" I did not assume the best.

                  

Here's how Hasbro describes it:

Make it backstage with your favorite boy band with the 1D GIRL TALK game! Can you answer trivia questions? Are you up for the dares on the "Will You Dare?" cards? You can earn a band souvenir every time you answer a question correctly or complete a dare. If you complete your player card and collect the VIP backstage pass, you win!

Okay. You can take this innocently if you want. But I am a cynical old ad guy, and I just can't see a game in which the objective is to take dares to earn a backstage pass for private time with some heartthrob band as having a good influence on girls who will have the opportunity to trade favours for celebrity access in just a few short years.

Blame my upbringing. I saw The Wall, and listened to Joe's Garage, at a young age.

Finally! A computer for women!

WARNING: Post may contain sarcasm

Braving ignoring all backlash, big brands just keep coming out with increasingly gendered products for women.

So if the Bic women's pen is too low-tech for you, Fujitsu has introduced Floral Kiss:

The Floral Kiss series features a unified design sensibility that has been developed for the female consumer—from the PC's design to accessories, such as the mouse and case, and optional add-ons. Users can select their favorite color from among three variations: Elegant White, Feminine Pink and Luxury Brown. 

The top casing has been constructed with an elegant and refined gradation with gold trim, and it features a flip latch that can easily open the display—even by users with long fingernails. The power button is adorned with a pearl-like accent, and the power status LED and Caps Lock key are decorated with diamond-cut stone for a sophisticated look. An exquisite gold ring frames each key on the transparent keyboard, highlighting its elegant style. In addition, the outtake and intake vents all feature a floral motif design.

Get it, ladies? You won't even have to worry about breaking your nails when you open it to read Jezebel, or Cafe Mom, or whatever damn thing their market researchers tell them you do.

The computer also has built-in scrapbooking, a diary app, and horoscopes included with the operating system!

No word yet on whether it will help track your menstrual cycles, or feature a personal digital assistant with a voice like Ryan Gosling, but when technology is on the march — in heels, no less — you never know where it will take you.

You can find out more about this product at their Facebook Page. Have fun.

Tip via Daily Mail

This Sexy Big Bird costume is brought to you by the letters C, E, A, S, E, A, N, D, D, E, S, I, S and T

With Big Bird the new symbol for the hate-on that Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has for PBS's public funding, Big Bird Halloween costumes are selling out across the United States. But Sesame Street Workshop would like the world to know that the push-up Big Bird minidress (above) is not an officially licensed product.

Sarah Beth Erb from Sesame Street Workshop told Buzzfeed's Katie Notopoulos, “our legal team has sent a cease and desist letter to the website selling them, will monitor the site, and follow up accordingly to make sure the items in question are removed.”

This, according to the Buzzfeed post, is the official costume:

I have to admit, Flapper Big Bird seems as strange to me as Slutty Big Bird. And the latter isn't nearly as hypersexed as many other costumes being pitched to young women these days.

Interestingly, Yandy sells both costumes on its site, the official one as "Sexy Big Bird Costume" ("Learning the ABC's has never been this sexy") and the other as "Exclusive Yellow Dress and Stockings" ("Bird head piece not included"). Sure, they suggest wearing a "Big Bird Headband" with it (as modelled by a young girl). But I'm not sure SSW has much of a case.

Urban Outfitters' drinking shirts are a very American dilemma

Okay, I kind of made fun of Canadian yokeltude in my last post, but now I get to be smug.

The shirts above are from Urban Outfitters. And people are upset about it.

Here's how Steve Hall at Adrants summarized:

Mothers Against Drunk Driving President Jan Withers told the New York Times, "As a mother, these shirts are not acceptable for children under the age of 21. If they're targeting that audience, then they're sending the message that it's cool to drink. We know of the dangers of underage drinking and the fact that it's just downright illegal." 

With Urban Outfitters customer base mostly 18-24, much of this outrage may be warranted. Is this just harmless fun or does Urban Outfitters need a good spanking?

Is this a good place to mention that making the legal drinking age 21 is fucking ridiculous? At 18, you can vote, go to jail, sign contracts, and go to war. And you are not mature enough to have a goddamn beer?

Admittedly, here in Ontario, we are also inconsistent with age of majority. I would happily vote to have it reduced from 19 to 18 any day, even if it means more DITs (drinkers in training) in the bars.

Frig, I let my 8-year-old son wear a beer logo cap to school, and they didn't even say anything. To be fair, it's in a pretty nice neighbourhood, and rich people drink a lot. Hell, one day I saw a kid's lunch packed in a  reusable liquor store bag.

Anyway, all this to say that these shirts are mostly harmless. Teens wear much worse things than this. Way worse.

If I had a teenage daughter, I wouldn't really mind if she wore the "drinking team" or "vodka" shirts — except that I would question her taste. (The "I drink you're cute" one is sort of funny, but the message isn't the greatest indicator of high standards in men.)

If we want to get up-in-arms about shirts sold by Urban Outfitters, forget MADD's rantings about booze.  I have a much more troublesome from the same catalogue:

It says "no reason to say no." What a bad idea that is.

Then there's this:

Ummm...

With all the sex in fashion advertising, it was bound to happen

Via The Essentialist

In addition to his shirt, I think he should have been wearing these more often:

Via liveinternet.ru

Oh well, I suppose the world can always use more beautiful people...

Strip club industry to Canadians: "We are coming for your daughters!"

Via Wikimedia Commons

The Adult Entertainment Association of Canada recently announced a "six-point action plan" to fight against the federal government's new moratorium on issuing visas or extensions for foreign exotic dancers working in Canada's "ballet" clubs. They plan on organizing the dancers; seeking Canadian husbands to marry those whose visas are expiring; filing refugee claims, and working with civil servants. (What?)

But another point in the plan  is the one that may get the most attention from average Canadians: If they can't bring in foreigners, they will invite your daughters to do the job.

Association director Tim Lambrinos told QMI Agency that recruiters from strip clubs will try to attract students by attending job fairs at high schools, colleges and universities in Toronto and surrounding areas. "We are already doing some outreach work in some areas," he said. "We will be taking a strippers' dance pole with us to the schools."

I have been trying to track down what QMI claims is a draft copy of the flyer that AEAC is planning to woo the teens with, but to no avail. Here's how they describe it:

QMI Agency has obtained a draft copy of the flyer to be circulated to high school students. It advises them that they can earn tuition fees while working as an "exotic dance entertainer" and that no sex with customers is permitted. 

"If you are visually appealing and comfortable with your naked body and are comfortable about taking all your clothes off," the flyer states. "You can be working right now as an exotic dancer and earn your tuition fees for university or college." 

Students are told they must be "comfortable ... onstage at a club and disrobing," and are guaranteed that "no actual sex or sex acts (will) occur." 

It warns them that they will have to provide private dances, or table dances, in dark lounge areas and part-time, full-time or seasonal jobs are available.

While it is unlikely that Mr. Lambrinos and his stripper pole will be attending career day in your child's school anytime soon, this obvious PR move might backfire as it makes people think of how women are treated in the legal sex industry.

Timea Nagy (via CNEWS)

The visa ban is a result of increasing public unease with the spectre of human trafficking. Hungarian immigrant Timea Nagy, at age 19, was tricked into entering a life of stripping and prostitution in Canada. She was abducted and abused before escaping. She later founded the human trafficking rescue organization, Walk With Me. She applauded the visa ban as a way to get women out of the life.

Caroline and Nicola (via Canoe)

On the other side, QMI interviewed two women from Hungary who are currently working in strip clubs, and feel betrayed by the change in their status.  "I am very disappointed and afraid of what may happen to me in the future," said 28-year-old Caroline. Nicola, 25, added "My visa is almost expired and I am very scared. I am very shattered that I may no longer be able to work and help my family back home."

And here's the problem: we created the demand for these performers, and in many cases turned a blind eye to how they got here and what they endure behind closed doors. But once confronted with the problem, we take it out on those same performers by kicking them out of the country. Either way, we as a society are treating foreign women as disposable commodities.

Which leads back to the "we are coming for your daughters" ploy. Ironically, it reminds me of the "Somebody's Daughter" Christian anti-porn campaign from a few years ago. I wonder if it will make people think more about the women onstage and in the champagne rooms as actual people deserving of empathy and respect, not just paid-for boobs and pudenda. But my more cynical side tells me that people will opt for the more convenient route of just sending the foreigners home and forgetting about the whole thing.

Related: Exotic Dancing Industry in Ontario: Health and Safety (pdf)

Kids for making more kids (within marriage)

Jezebel shared the news about a pro-abstinence/anti-birth-control group called 1flesh. Styling itself as a grassroots organization, it uses youth-friendly graphics and messaging to celebrate the joys of procreative marital sex:

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At the same time, it preaches some potentially misleading arguments about the efficacy of contraceptives in preventing unplanned pregnancy and disease:

What is going on here? It's almost like they're trying to run a white, christian, breeding program. Which is a pretty smart strategy from a political point of view. Get those horny kids to keep their pants on until marriage, then turn the young woman's reproductive parts into a baby factory — a clown car, if you will — of Duggar proportions.

"But what about overpopulation?", you might ask.

The whole “Save the World: Don’t Have Kids” idea is, in retrospect, just plain silly. The worldwide fertility rate fell throughout the same period... Even if we were to pretend that the world was in a desperate state of looming overpopulation, artificial contraception on its own wouldn’t be of much use. It does not reduce the rate of unintended pregnancies. We’ve been duped into demanding a bad solution to a non-existent problem. It’s time to move on.

Move on. Get married. Have babies.

But a full reading of the site does show that it promotes one method of family planning: the Creighton Model Fertiltycare™ System. It's an initiative of the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction. And it's basically a modern version of the rhythm method (with cervical mucus observation instead of guesswork).

According to Wikipedia:

The effectiveness of the CrMS, as of most forms of birth control, can be assessed two ways. Perfect use or method effectiveness rates only include people who follow all observational rules, correctly identify the fertile phase, and refrain from unprotected intercourse on days identified as fertile. Actual use, or typical use effectiveness rates are of all women intending to avoid pregnancy by using CrMS, including those who fail to meet the "perfect use" criteria. 

The Pope Paul VI Institute reports a perfect-use effectiveness rate of 99.5% in the first year.In clinical studies of the CrMS conducted at the Pope Paul VI Institute, researchers excluded most pregnancies from the typical-use rate calculation, on the grounds that they believed the affected couples had used the method to deliberately attempt pregnancy. The Institute reports a typical-use effectiveness of 96.8% in the first year. Most studies of similar systems do not exclude such pregnancies from the typical-use failure rate.

Remember how 1flesh said that condoms don't work?

The condom’s use-effectiveness rate is 85%.  This means that, under real-world conditions, a woman whose sexual partners use condoms for every act of sexual intercourse has a 15% chance of becoming pregnant in a year. And while oral contraceptives are more effective, studies have shown that after three years of use, the failure rates of oral contraceptives was 4.7% for 24-day regimen pills and 6.7% for 21-day regimen pills. The FDA’s conclusion is that the use-effectiveness of oral contraceptives is 95%. A 2011 study, Contraceptive failure in the United States, found the Pill’s actual failure rate to be 9%. 

Though the numbers shift in various studies, in every case, natural methods of family planning — specifically the Creighton Model FertilityCare System — are more effective at preventing unintended pregnancies, with a use-effectiveness of 96.8-98%. The idea that the widespread use of artificial contraception will help end the stressful incidence of unintended pregnancy — while hopeful — has been debunked. The answer is not pill or a rubber. It’s having a true understanding of a woman’s body and cooperating with it. 

This is from the source they cited at About.comhttp://contraception.about.com/od/overthecounterchoices/p/OTC.htm:

Condom (Male)Typical use: 85% effectivePerfect use: 98% effectiveOf every 100 women whose partners use condoms, 15 will become pregnant (with typical use) and 2 will become pregnant with perfect use

The PillTypical use: 92% effectivePerfect use: 99.7% effectiveOf every 100 women who use The Pill, 8 will become pregnant (with typical use) within the first year and less than one will become pregnant with perfect use

Waitaminute. Did they just compare perfect use of their "natural" birth control with "typical use" of condoms and the pill? Yes, yes they did.

When you get to the bottom of it, 1flesh's "grassroots" movement is anything but. It's a highly organized campaign of reproductive misinformation designed to recruit a new generation of social conservative, anti-reproductive choice, voters, using generational mouthpieces like Patheos blogger Marc Barnes to make being quiverfull more palatable to Millennials. 

How to sell bikes: a historical perspective

These pics are from a sponsored Buzzfeed post by Schwinn. It's a good strategy, really, and the ads are really interesting.

But a few jumped out at me:

Golden Age Hollywood Endorsement

"You know how to pedal, don't you Steve?"

And what a celebrity! There is no way anyone classier has ever sold bikes, like, ever. (and that includes Joan Crawford and Doris Day, who are on the complete list.)

Cowboy Endorsement

Complete with awesomely awkward headline!

The "Substitute for Parental Love" Angle

Years later, McDonald's would base its entire brand on this con.

...Great White Hunter Endorsement

As soon as the illustrator was done, he skinned the tiger to make a swell rug!

Sexual Innuendo

Does the seat vibrate or something?

Which leads us, naturally, to: 

Blatant Sexual Exploitation (of women)

Why does that always happen?

So there you have it: even in bicycle advertising, all roads lead to smut.

Rock and pop groupies tell all in anonymous forum

The insatiable David Bowie is a rock star who groupies continue to lust after and rave about, and we hear that he's into orgies and videotaping his encounters. David isn't too picky when it comes to race or gender, but he does have a taste for "the beautiful people." If you look like Camilla Parker-Bowles, you'll probably be out of luck in getting David to show an interest in you. As David's wife Iman can tell you, David is also fascinated with black women, so all you gorgeous ebony ladies who want to experience Bowie might have a great chance with him. Bowie also likes his regular sex partners to have a certain amount of intelligence. If you're an airhead who doesn't know the difference between Rambo and Rimbaud, you'll quickly be out of favor with Bowie.

When I was a teenager, books like Pamela Des Barres' poorly-written tell all I'm With The Band and Rock and Roll Babylon were infamous for spilling rockstars' sexual secrets.

But thanks to our internet age, the groupies have organized and are broadcasting many musicians' private moments to the world under a cloak of anonymity on the forum, groupiedirt.com

Rammstein lead vocalist Till Lindemann has gotten mixed reviews for his sexual technique. He's been described as both a good lover and a lousy lover whose penis is hung like a peanut. If you want to get together with Till, don't expect him to treat you like an equal. He's reportedly very sexist who sees women as being good for only one thing.

As usual, this gives the people in question no possible way to defend themselves, as rumour and speculation abound.

The members Insane Clown Posse are rude, crude, and treat their groupies like dirt, according to women who've been with them. The clowns are so desperate for attention that they'll take practically any groupie, no matter what she looks like. Violent J has a big penis but he doesn't have much stamina (one woman said he lasts about five minutes), and he's secretly self-conscious about being overweight. And if you start to lose interest in him, he will start treating you with abusive and hateful behavior. 

Is any of this true? Nobody knows. But like the ridiculous backstage riders on The Smoking Gun, it makes great guilty pleasure reading.

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is "unforgiven" for being a sexual disappointment. One groupie who had him said his technique is "wham bam thank you maam" and Lars sometimes has trouble getting up his uncircumcised penis. We also hear that Lars talks too much and his fondness for alcohol and cocaine "doesn't make for a lot of fun...paranoid and a limp dick!" We also hear Lars likes lesbian sex, but then again, most men do. Meanwhile, Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett has earned high praise for his lovemaking abilities, with one lady describing him as "fantastic" with a "gorgeous dick." Kirk is an admitted bisexual swinger who's been known to frequent sex clubs with his wife. Bass guitarist Jason Newsted is also a great lover, according to one lady who says that he was able to satisfy to her needs.  

The site focusses on classic rock and newer pop, with very few hip hop, R&B or soul references (Ice T gets honourable mention for his love of "white pussy").

I guess their groupies are more discreet than those of the boy bands?

This boy band believes in having a lot of girlfriends. AJ loves to give the ladies backdoor action. Kevin is a less than faithful husband. Cutie pie, Nick Carter, has a weakness for model types. 

And not even the "girl groups" are spared...

They might have looked sweet in their videos, but these girls are not innocent. Back in their heyday, they made an after concert video with a drunk roadie. While the roadie masturbates, the girls are giggling in the background. Later in the video, Kathy Valentine shoves a vibrator up the roadie's ass when he is passed out on a hotel room bed.

Of all the ones I've read so far, this is my favourite:

Former Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones is no stranger to groupies. He's said to be crudely average and people say that he likes picking up sleazy hookers. Lead singer Johnny Rotten despises groupies. Actually, he despises most people. Groupies who want to avoid cruel rejection are advised to steer clear of Johnny, who is reportedly very devoted to his longtime wife. 

Iggy Pop, by the way, is conspicuously absent.

You can spend hours there. Check it out.

Tip via Buzzfeed